Childhood, Attachments & the way we bond- A vital part of adulthood

       "We are only as needy as our unmet needs" - John Bowlby

💟Hello dear readers, Come with me to explore the mystical and interesting world of attachments where we will get to know why we behave the way we do or why anyone around us is a way they are....

In the above quoted famous quote by John Bowlby ,who is the pioneer of the concept of attachments has so rightly expressed how we as adults are shaped with respect to how and what environment we are raised in as a child, and the way we look up to others in search of expecting a certain way to be treated, which is nothing but just our unmet needs as a child.

In simple words, Attachment is the emotional bonds we form with one another. British psychologist John Bowlby explored this concept of how our early relationships with our primary caregivers plays a vital role in forming bonds. There have been numerous researches in this field that explain our attachments and bond forming abilities. 

The prevailing attitude in western society is that we need to be independent and not reliant upon the support and comfort of others; In spite of this, our need for one another is an inescapable, marvelous and biological feature of the human species.

"Contact comfort" is one of the basic human need discovered by John Bowlby.

👉Contact comfort can be seen in the true story of a–less-than- a-year-old hippopotamus, traumatized after losing its mother in the tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast. Rescued by wildlife rangers and taken to a wildlife park, the baby hippo weighing about 650 pounds, needed to find someone to be a surrogate mother. It discovered a century old male tortoise and established a strong bond, with the tortoise as its “mother”.

This shows how forming a secure attachment and knowing that we have someone to rely on in times of anxiety and distress or danger, calms and soothes us and it is not only a need but a survival mechanism and a connection wired within us.

This also forms the base for modern day adult love relationships based on normal development as infants. The basic human need to be safe and be able to comfortably connect with each other is what defines our ways to cope in times of conflict.

Further research conducted in this dimension was in around 1950s-60s i.e. the Classic experiment by Harlow on monkeys which I have explained in my previous blog, if you haven't read it yet do check it out here: https://caterpillartobutterflywings.blogspot.com/2025/05/trust-fragile-expectation-or.html.

Briefly Harlow’s experiments laid the groundwork for understanding the emotional and physical needs that underlie attachment, emphasizing that attachment is not just about survival but also emotional wellbeing.

👉Now expanding further on John Bowlby's view and his attachment theory which emphasized that children’s attachment behavior — crying, clinging, and following — is a way to keep caregivers close. Bowlby introduced the concept of the “secure base,” where a child uses a caregiver as a stable point of safety to explore the world and how disruptions in these bonds could lead to attachment issues later in life, such as anxiety or emotional insecurity.

Later Mary Ainsworth (1969), a colleague of Bowlby, further developed attachment theory through her “Strange Situation” experiment. In this experiment, infants were observed in a series of interactions involving their caregivers, a stranger, and brief periods of separation, which led them to identifying 3 primary attachment styles:-

1.Secure attachment

The child feels comfortable exploring when the caregiver is present and shows distress when the caregiver leaves. A child with secure attachment is easily soothed when the caregiver returns.

2.Insecure–avoidant attachment

The child is indifferent to the caregiver’s presence and avoids them upon return, indicating an emotional disconnection.

3.Insecure–ambivalent/resistant/anxious attachment

The child is anxious before separation and shows ambivalence or resistance to the caregiver upon their return.

Later, a fourth style, disorganized attachment, was added by other researchers (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991). These children display a mix of behaviors that indicate confusion or fear toward their caregivers.

📸Refer to the image for further insights👀

These attachments do play a very crucial and long term role in affecting us and our adult human relations. Children with secure attachment style grow up to become individuals with high self esteem and high sense of worth and good emotional regulation leading them to form more secure, healthy and trusting emotional bonds whereas children with insecure attachment style grow up with lack of self esteem and struggle with forming trustworthy and healthy long term relations and run away from emotional regulation and confrontations.😥

In severe cases, attachment disruptions in early childhood can lead to attachment disorders, which may manifest as avoidance, aggression, or extreme emotional dependency.

🖉💬It's interesting to note that:

Attachment styles continue to shape individuals’ relationships throughout adulthood (Domingue & Mollen, 2009). This means that adult attachment mirrors childhood patterns in following ways:

1.Secure adults tend to have healthy, trusting, and supportive relationships.

2.Anxious-preoccupied adults often crave intimacy but may struggle with feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment.

3.Dismissive-avoidant adults are likely to avoid emotional closeness and may prioritize independence over intimate relationships.

4.Fearful-avoidant (Disorganized) adults may long for connection with a fear of getting too close, often resulting in conflicting emotions and unstable relationships.

Though looks very scientific and psychological based but while studying deeply into it you will realize how important and interesting it is to know about attachment styles to ease forming bonds and cope with whatever we are struggling with. 

Now the question arises that how to deal with any kind of insecure attachment style ?

 So my take on it will be that in order to cure a problem we need to face it first and accept that a certain developmental inadequacy happened that led us to this point and identifying our exact attachment style based on the findings & thereby going to root of the problem to understand how and why a certain behaviour in childhood by caregivers towards us shaped us. After identifying what's most crucial is not to sit with it and blaming people for a way our life turned out but rather taking steps for trust building, self love and healthy relationships.

💡The unmet needs of yours that couldn't be met in childhood can only be met by you in your adulthood, no one else can help you deal with the discomfort that you are dealing with, your loved ones can help ease the pain, provide a listening support but not entirely change the trajectory of your healing. True healing comes with you starting to love yourself, thus inculcating self love and increasing self esteem and self independence by positive affirmations and positive self talk and there you are halfway towards your journey of healing. This journey of mending and healing isn't short and easy but rather long and full of continous breaking down and building yourself again, and despite that you need to keep showing up for yourself each and every day because no one else can do that for you.

😌And by that we reach towards wrapping up the blog with this quote which might get a little too relatable and make you feel seen and heard:🙈

"There were two reasons I was scared to let people in; The damage they could do, 

and the damage they could find"-  Chris McGeown

So to anyone reading this and discovering an insecure attachment style about yourself, don't feel sad my dear because discovering weird truths about oneself is an uninformed rule of adulting no one prepared us for and then ignoring it like nothing and everything and falling in same toxic cycles again is an unsaid hack to adulting 101.💪

So next time if you fall in some toxic relationship or any of your human relationships doesn't work, you can probably blame your attachment style and move on😅

💭Have you ever reflected on your own attachment style and how it might be influencing your relationships today? I’d love to hear your thoughts—feel free to share in the comments below! 

💫Until then, take care of your heart, be kind to your inner child, and keep choosing healing—one day at a time. 🌸💛

                                                                                                                                      

                                                                                                                                  ~Pavitra